Hello Reader!
Summer Joys and Trials
I recently returned from a 7-day silent retreat with Cheri Huber at the 4 Acre Zen Center in Sequim, WA, which offered a much-needed pause amidst the fullness of life leading up to it. With so much happening, including a visit from our daughter Sanni and her little ones, I missed writing my weekly newsletter. Here’s a bit about what’s been happening and the lessons learned.
Our daughter Sanni visited, bringing two ½-year-old June and 6-month-old Alice (Summer). Oh, the joyful merrymaking of our collective gang! The little kids (including Cedar) relearned how to play together, at once loving each other’s presence and needing space to regroup—perhaps a perfect reflection of my own experience! Our gang partook in tea parties galore, hiking, pickleball, lake visits, mealtime, watching the Olympics, and much more. And…at any given moment, at least one of us was under the weather. Cedar’s daycare had cases of COVID-19, and it seemed we had all escaped—until the last day when one of us tested positive. This news threw a kink into the “how” of being together in one house. Had we already been exposed? Should we avoid all contact? How do we interact with the kids?
Jay and I were leaving to go on retreat the next day. We had no symptoms, so we took Covid tests—all negative—and practiced minimal exposure. Still, I fell into a 4-hour funk that day, triggered by the added logistics of COVID-19 in our midst and our hopes to make it to our first in-person retreat in five years, combined with a sadness I couldn’t quite identify. Perhaps it was nervousness about going on retreat (it’s always a deep journey into the shadows alongside the bliss of silence and the time to reflect), some FOMO about missing out on more family time, and some tiredness from the week.
I shared my feelings with my kids and received a beautiful, loving presence as different members of my family offered solace and kind words. (I do live a privileged life!)
Silent Retreat on Communication
Once I made it to the retreat, it felt good. I loved the irony—a silent retreat on communication—haha—called “Don’t Suffer. Communicate.” The structure was a mix of sitting in silence, gentle yoga, walking meditation, and group sessions where we learned and then practiced a new skill.
One of the most impactful lessons from the retreat was the practice of “affectionate witnessing,” which resonated deeply with me. The first day was all about learning the art of affectionate witnessing—oh, how I LOVE that term!
Affectionate Witnessing
Affectionate witnessing includes learning to listen by reflecting back what you heard, asking clarifying questions, and practicing drawing someone out to “say more” about something. It’s about letting go of your egoic perspective and agenda and allowing someone else to shine. It’s about being curious and attentive—to notice when your conditioning is in play and has morphed the exchange into some invisible manipulation or agenda.
It is much like what I had been naturally doing with my grandkids all week—affectionate witnessing: watching, smiling, encouraging, being present, offering my undivided attention, and allowing them to shine.
Affectionate witnessing would also be an apt term for what we practice in the Quaker mid-week meeting that we’ve attended for nearly 20 years (!!). We listen carefully to one person at a time without interrupting and without the need to create a discussion or come to a conclusion. We practice making sure that whoever speaks feels heard. And, because the call happens over voice conference (not Zoom), we do it all without eye contact. What a gift. We’ve missed attending this summer because of our busy family time. The universe handed this concept back to us this week during the retreat.
I encourage you all to make it your secret practice this week. Find a moment to practice some “affectionate witnessing!”
How to Practice Affectionate Witnessing with Another
Here are the guidelines when someone is sharing. (Note: This skill is often beneficial when another is sharing something sticky.)
1. Practice reflective listening. When someone is sharing, listen attentively without an agenda; when there is a break, repeat what you heard.
2. Ask clarifying questions. If you are unsure what someone meant or need more specifics to understand what they are saying, then ask clarifying questions.
Example: Someone says, “I need space.” You could reflect that and ask, “Do you need me to be in another room?” or “How long do you need?”
Example: Someone says, “I’m so tired.” You might reflect that back and ask something like, “Does it feel like physical tiredness or mental tiredness?”
3. Draw them out. Sometimes we talk vaguely, and it can be helpful to encourage someone to say more. The easiest way to do that is to first reflect back what you heard and then say, “Can you tell me more?”
Example: Someone says, “I don’t know what to do.” You can reflect that statement back and ask, “Can you tell me more?”
Example: Someone says, “I need a vacation.” You can reflect that back and ask, “Can you tell me more about that? What kind of vacation?”
The Wonder of Being Present
Affectionate witnessing is a powerful communication tool. We learn how to kindly facilitate a conversation. What makes it so sweet is the overlay of gentleness and caring we feel because of the word “affectionate.” We can be a beautiful, neutral reflection for someone, helping them gain their own clarity while also gaining clarity ourselves without adding any of our own agenda. In other words, we can simply be present.
“Facilitation is staying with the wonder of being present.” ~Ashwini
Practicing Being an “Affectionate Witness” to Ourselves
There is an even more beautiful application of this “affectionate witnessing” practice we learned on our retreat. We can do this with ourselves. We can facilitate ourselves. We don’t often think of it this way, but we have many aspects to our personality, and sometimes, we can get stuck in a conditioned way of thinking that leads to suffering. Learning how to facilitate a conversation with ourselves using these same tools gently was the pinnacle gift of this retreat. It is a tool to help us redirect our attention while not abandoning the struggling aspect of ourselves.
So how do we do this?
All the same principles above apply, except that we are doing it with ourselves. We imagine ourselves talking to the part of ourselves that is suffering.
Let’s say we are feeling left out.
1. We imagine ourselves in the situation that led up to that feeling and mentally describe it to ourselves. Then aloud, we record that description (i.e., we reflect). Example: “I hear you are feeling left out. Can you tell me a little bit more about that? What is the situation you are feeling left out of?”
2. Then, you listen internally to how you respond and reflect that back. “I hear you feel left out because all your friends are attending a party. Are you feeling left out because you decided not to go or you felt you weren’t welcome?”
Let’s say you realize it’s because you felt you weren’t welcome. Then, you facilitate that conversation by asking yourself, “Can you tell me more about that?”
Or maybe you realize you didn’t want to go but you still have FOMO. Then, you can reflect that and ask yourself to offer some more about that scenario.
The point is you practice being a completely neutral listener to yourself—not overlaying any agenda but just working with yourself to get to the deeper heart of the issue while allowing yourself to be heard.
It sounds much more convoluted than actually practicing it! I encourage you to play around with this. And here’s why: The most powerful way we can be in the world is to be present for whatever is going on. Practicing being an affectionate witness puts us directly into that space, staying with the wonder of being present, instead of latching onto “fix-it” mode, which puts us in a different space of perpetually looking around for what is wrong instead of relaxing and responding to what is.
Book News and Reviews
I have some big news about my book coming up that I’m excited to share in September! Leading up to that, I am hopeful I can gather some more reviews!!
Naked in the Now is doing so well. I have 30 5-star reviews on Amazon already, and I would LOVE to make it to 50 in the next couple of weeks!! Please consider hopping on to Amazon and Goodreads and leaving a review!
I know that with a self-help book like Naked in the Now is not something you read all in one sitting and then you are done. It is much more likely to be a book you leave on your nightstand and pick up now and again to read a new practice (and there are over 30 short practices!). Still, once you have read some of it and perhaps browsed through the rest, you can get enough of a sense of it to leave a review!
Libraries and Local Bookstores
Another thing you can do to help support Naked in the Now find its way in the world is to ask your library and/or local bookstore to carry it. Your bookstore can order it through Ingram or whatever distribution network they use. Libraries and bookstores sometimes want to know what kind of reviews the book has received. You can assure them that Naked in the Now has received powerful endorsements and top-notch reviews from organizations like Kirkus Reviews (Get it!) and Readers Favorite (5-star).
Getting my book into local bookstores or libraries is a big deal for a small author like me. If you have time to ask, I would be ever so grateful! A couple of weeks ago, an old friend of mine in the Seattle area asked the King County Library system to carry my book. They bought 15 copies!! Don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about how to ask your local bookstore or library to order copies!
Upcoming Events
I’m thrilled to share that I’m working with Breitenbush Hot Springs to reschedule my workshop to the end of August, after it was postponed earlier this summer due to a family member’s illness. Stay tuned for updates on the new date!
I’m also exploring the possibility of presenting at Sierra Hot Springs in early September—I’ll keep you posted on that as well.
And, of course, I’m stoked to be heading to Outwild again this year from September 5-8. If you’re going, I can’t wait to see you there!
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The meditation tent at the 4 Acre Zen Center |
Smiles,
https://marijkemccandless.com
Kirkus Reviews endorses Naked in the Now!
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