When Plans Go Awry—But Something Even Better Emerges.
Our granddaughter, Juney, had come over for a visit just as we were about to eat. We have an early dinner—4 p.m.—and, though it’s nothing fancy, it’s a cherished part of our day. It marks the transition from work to rest, a time to come together, share a meal, and unwind with a show.
It’s simple: we eat dinner and watch something lighthearted together. Sometimes, it’s half an episode; sometimes, it’s a movie. I look forward to it—not just the time with Jay but also the tiny joy of planning and preparing the meal, savoring the process as much as the food itself.
To an outsider, it might seem like just another habit. But for us, it has become something more: a ritual. It is a daily moment of connection and ease, honoring our health and bond.
The Power of Ritual Over Habit
We started eating early as part of an intermittent fasting practice, hoping to support brain health after witnessing Alzheimer’s in two of our parents take hold. But beyond that, we cherish this built-in playfulness—something frivolous we do together, a way to pause and sit next to each other in camaraderie.
Then, one evening, Juney’s visit overlapped with dinner. We let her join us, watch Star Trek, and eat alongside us. She was thrilled—and even happily ate her broccoli and cauliflower. But it didn’t quite work. The show wasn’t suited for her; she got restless and then fixated on watching more. By the time we took her home, she was overtired and melting down, begging for another episode—a struggle Sanni didn’t want becoming an every-night battle.
Jay and I realized something else: we didn’t want to lose our treasured ritual, nor did we want Juney to form an expectation that TV dinner at Amma and Papa’s was a given.
It was time for a new plan that honored what Juney needed (a way to wind down) while also creating an intentional connection.
What Makes a Ritual Different?
This overlay is where ritual comes in. A habit is something we do automatically, often without thinking. A routine is a structured pattern we fall into, designed for efficiency. But a ritual? A ritual is done with intention, the same way, over and over again, to create meaning.
We’ve seen this before. Young kids thrive on routines and a sense of control—adding the element of ritual makes it fun. That’s how our “One Mint and One Cookie Per Day” ritual was born—small, predictable treats that didn’t become an endless craving. Now, it was time to craft something new.
Rather than screen time every night, we decided to introduce a special ‘Movie and Pizza Night’ once a week—something to anticipate and enjoy. And, on other days? A different ritual: curling up on the couch together with books, snuggling, a snack, and a story. She’d still get the comfort of winding down with us, but in a way that felt intentional and nourishing.
The Science of Ritual and Joy
Harvard Business School professor Michael Norton, author of The Ritual Effect: From Habit to Ritual, Harness the Surprising Power of Everyday Actions, has studied the impact of rituals and found that they enhance our experiences bringing more joy and emotional depth to even the simplest activities. He says rituals help us get a little more out of everyday life, “a little more joy, a little more meaning, just a little more emotion than habit-driven all the time.”
Di Westaway, founder of Wild Women on Top, expands on this, explaining how rituals shape our brain chemistry, making even mundane tasks more joyful. She explains that the right rituals can trigger happiness-inducing hormones—dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin, and serotonin—bathing us in joy. Over time, when we ritualize certain practices, they become a natural and uplifting part of our day, no longer requiring effort or decision-making.
How to Create Meaningful Rituals
I love rituals because they anchor us, remind us of what’s essential, and bring joy—not just because of what we’re doing but also because of how we’re doing it and intentionally honoring something important to us.
I talk a lot about paying attention to tiny moments of delight—about keeping a daily delight journal. I’ve found that having a few rituals in place helps ensure that I dip into and notice these moments. I intentionally sprinkle my day and week with things that will bring me a momentary sparkle of joy or ease. The best part is that rituals can act as lightning rods for joyful presence.
Soshitsu Sen, a grand master of the Japanese tea ceremony, once said:
“Make a delicious bowl of tea, lay the charcoal so that it heats the water; arrange the flowers as they are in the field; in summer suggest coolness; in winter, warmth; do everything ahead of time; prepare for rain; and give those with whom you find yourself every consideration.”
To me, this is the essence of ritual: presence, care, and honoring of the moment.
But how do we create rituals that truly serve us?
A Simple Approach to Creating Rituals
Identify the purpose of a new habit—what is it meant to bring into your life?
Identify the things you will do—what specific actions will shape the ritual?
Identify why those things are important—what deeper meaning strengthens your connection to the practice?
Grounding a Ritual with Words
Grounding a ritual by using the exact words every time can be helpful. For instance, Jay and I have a morning coffee and meditation practice. Every day, I bring each of us a cup of coffee to bed. We sip slowly and silently, bringing ourselves into the day. Then, we read a daily quote from Cheri Huber’s Project Joy, set a timer, and sit for silent meditation. Afterwards, we always repeat these words:
We are here to end suffering. If ending suffering is more important than anything, we will end suffering. If ending suffering is not more important than anything, we will not end suffering. If I am suffering, it is because I am choosing something over ending suffering. We are not here to create and cling to beliefs. We are here to pay attention. We are here to use everything in our experience to see how we cause ourselves to suffer so we can drop that and end suffering.
Saying these exact words every day is a critical part of the ritual. It sets the tone. It reminds me of my deep desire to pay attention, especially to what causes suffering—to focus instead on noticing what brings me joy.
In our ritual with Juney, the words will be simple: Let’s choose our book, get our treat, and sit on the couch.
Examples of Ritual in Practice
When identifying the purpose of a new habit that you want to become a ritual, ask yourself what you want it to bring into your life and be willing to tune into its higher purpose. For instance, I recently started an evening elliptical ritual. I was clear that I wanted to combat the impact of the heavy-duty steroids I had to take for my sudden hearing loss—especially in light of steroids’ tendency to make you gain weight. I wanted to signal to my body that I was willing to work with it, honoring the potential healing effect of the steroids but also using that agitation the steroids bring toward a healthy outlet.
About the new ritual plan with Juney, we sought to transform our nightly TV routine into something more intentional when Juney was visiting. Instead of an automatic habit, we made a choice and set certain time and date parameters: Movie and pizza night at Amma and Papa’s Friday night. On other days, after Jay and I have eaten, Juney is invited to snuggle up and read a book with one of us. We choose a particular corner of the couch. We have a new set of exciting chapter books. We pick one treat. This way, Juney still gets the comfort and connection of sitting together in a way that aligns with what we truly value.
The Magic of Ritual in Everyday Life
The beauty of ritual is that it’s not about what you do but how and why you do it. It also has the element of intention—a purposeful paying attention to your actions. Paying attention is the heart of awareness practice, the cornerstone of presence. And when we are truly present, we are in touch with our natural vitality—the joy of simply being, no matter the circumstances.
We enacted our first reading-on-the-couch ritual with Juney last night, and afterward, a fun thing happened. After reading, she suggested we play “Monster hide and seek!” —a raucous version of sardines where one of us is a monster and counts to ten, and the rest (often altogether) find a hiding place in a single room. There are lots of screams and smiles—laughter all around. I will add this to our reading ritual. Five minutes of Monster! Levity is always welcome—and a sure path to joy!
Upcoming Good News and Events
San Diego Writers Festival – April 5, 2025. I’m thrilled to be speaking at the San Diego Writers Festival! I’ll be on the Self-help on Fire panel at 2:15 p.m., and I’d love to see you there if you’re in the area.
Writers by the Sea – Mondays at 1 p.m. PST. We have a newly formed Writers by the Sea virtual writing and awareness class meeting via Zoom and in person on Mondays at 1 p.m. PST. If you’re interested, reply to this email—I’d love for you to join us!
Upcoming In-Person Retreats – I’m working on crafting more in-person retreats, and I couldn’t be more excited! Bekah and I just hosted an endearing and impactful Friends Healing Retreat, and I can’t wait to share more about future gatherings soon.
Takeaway: Your Invitation to Ritual
What small, meaningful rituals already exist in your life? And what new ones might you create? This week, I invite you to notice the little moments that bring you back to yourself—whether it’s a breath, a sip, a step, or a pause. Let it be simple. Let it be yours. Now, why not create a small ritual to anchor it? If you do, I’d love to hear about it!
Closing Reflection
Rituals remind us that joy isn’t something we have to chase—it’s something we can cultivate, moment by moment, through presence and intention. Whether it’s a quiet cup of tea, a shared story on the couch, or a whispered goodnight phrase, these small acts have the power to shape our days and deepen our connections. May you find delight in the rituals already in your life—and maybe even create a new one that brings you joy.
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