I’ve written a book called Naked in the Now: Juicy Practices for Getting Present. Today, I have been sitting here taking stock of my “successes” in meeting my professional goals of getting it and me “out there”

Here’s what I can report:

I didn’t finish publishing my book
I didn’t write a TedX Talk
I didn’t even write many articles or poems about it
I didn’t grow my “platform” much
I didn’t line up speaking engagements
I didn’t do many workshops
I didn’t meet many of my professional goals at all

Instead…

In January after working hard on my book proposal
I flew to Washington
Where I stood by my dad’s bedside
and felt his still warm head,
the breath had left
It was only the third visit
since he’d moved into assisted living during Covid
1 hour in two years until this final visit
Instead of working on my book, I felt the grief and wrote about that in “One Sweet Fatherly Gesture”

In February, I tried to work on the proposal and sent some out
but just three weeks later
My granddaughter was born

not breathing
whisked to NICU

the world went so still inside me
be here
I whispered to myself
Be Here
She’s here now
Allow yourself to feel
Don’t rush ahead
Into what ifs…
Just Be
Here
Now

In my heart
I knew she had traveled to see my father
A kiss between worlds

By March she was home
The family gathered to
Ooooh and aaahhh

I got to babysit

I sat and held her
without moving
For hours at a time
Just gazing upon her face
Listening to her breath
Awestruck

The things I had planned to do
To guarantee “success”
Paled in comparison to
Sitting still
With her

In Spring
We planned my dad’s Celebration of Life for late June
Hoping that Covid would allow us an outdoor gathering
And simultaneously
Planned for the after-a-Covid-elopement-second-wedding
Of my daughter and son-in-law whose baby,
our first granddaughter,
would turn one days before the wedding
The wedding would take place one week after
my dad’s Celebration of Life

We went outdoor rock climbing again with friends
So happy to be outside
Playing
Laughing
In-the-moment focused on each next hold
I smiled joyfully
And posted on Instagram

In June
We drove north
In our Sprinter van
Happy to be Covid safe before all the summer events

Shortly after arriving in Washington,
the wedding venue cancelled the event
just weeks before the date
Guest travel plans already made for the three-day event

We set to replanning the wedding
At home? At a yacht club?
We scrambled to find an outdoor setting with the desired vibe
And camping
We succeeded in finding a farm setting of sorts
And breathed with relief

On Sunday
At the Celebration of Life,
The sun shone brightly
The lake twinkled
We laughed, told stories about my dad,
while my mom and my daughters carried chubby grandbabies
In matching outfits

Tuesday
We gathered on a deck and
blew bubbles to celebrate the first grandbaby’s
First birthday

Then returned to preparing
for the wedding in a few days hence
We scoured thrift stores for decorations
To brighten up the rural setting
We stitched colorful decorations
and talked about sitting on hay bales

Then
On Saturday
We did sit on haybales covered in second-hand tablecloths
Situated next to trees and a creek
In a little glen at the edge of the farm
As we gathered
It was impossible
Not to be stunned
by the Love
That burst through everything
The one-year-old clutched a fistful
Of wildflowers
And walked
With me
Down the wild-grass “aisle”
Ahead of her parents

We spent a month hanging out with family
though the Airbnb we rented
had mold
and my husband got sick
again

My husband and I left Washington and
headed east and south
in our Sprinter Van
spending a week climbing together
in the fresh air of Wyoming —
A time for the two of us to connect and heal

Then we headed to Colorado to
Outwild
Our daughter’s event
Mostly to babysit the second grandbaby
But also, because I had been invited to teach a workshop
“Juicy Writing Practices for Getting Present”
I felt happy to be succeeding
In getting out there
Sharing parts of my book

The best part though was not
talking about “Juicy Practices”
so much
as living them
At the Outwild talent show
I danced in drag
(wearing my husband’s suit from the wedding that we happened to have in the van)
With drag queen PattieGonia
To Shaina Twain’s “Man, I feel like a Woman”
What fun!
I posted it on Instagram and got 17 thousand views

Will that help my platform I wondered?

Fall came and I worked in earnest
Sending out proposals
Talking to agents
Lining up events
Rewriting and finishing the manuscript
Sending it out to beta readers
Looking for a copyeditor
Researching smaller publishers

In between we got outside
Rock-climbing
Getting fit
Getting better
’til my husband’s first injury, a fall on ribs
Then the second, a pulled shoulder

Family came to stay for a couple months
All kids and grandkids together
So fun!
Then the first illness (RSV?)
Then another

I got well enough to visit my mom
Alone for the first time over the holidays
And my dad’s birthday
We went through dad’s office
Organizing, organizing
I got back home the week before Christmas

Then
We all got Covid on the Winter Solstice
We hunkered down
Together
Stuck inside
Too sick to work or play
But Happy anyway

And the book?
Well, as I said at the start

I didn’t finish publishing my book
I didn’t write a TedX Talk
I didn’t write many articles or poems
I didn’t grow my “platform” much
I didn’t line up speaking engagements
I didn’t do many workshops
I didn’t meet many of my professional goals at all

Still
I’d say, despite the extended pause, my last year was full of successes.
I had so many opportunities to
stop,
slow down,
tune into my senses,
be present with myself and others,
to feel and accept the deep and real feelings
that come with big life passages.

Essentially, I’ve had ample opportunity to
get naked in the now
My year was chock full of
juicy practices for getting present.

And that is the better measure of success.

And you know what? The book is moving forward to. Beta readers have chimed in, revisions have been made, copyediting done and it is currently in the hands of a publisher. Plus, since the start of the year, I’ve collected 7 stellar endorsements and my social media platform is growing — just passed 10K followers on Instagram!

(Published in Scribe on Medium)